


The Silmarillion as told by me

by breakofday



Category: TOLKIEN J. R. R. - Works & Related Fandoms, The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: F/M, Gen, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-09
Updated: 2016-07-09
Packaged: 2018-07-22 14:07:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7442149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/breakofday/pseuds/breakofday
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Silmarillion can get very confusing, so here is my abridged (and far more amusing) version. This will be updated as I make my way through the book.</p><p>Gems so far include: </p><p>- Thingol finally emerges from his love coma and is now the tallest elf ever and looks like a Maia and everyone is so amazed that they don’t mind that they waited like 200 years for him</p><p>- Melkor goes into hiding for a bit, then shows up at Feanor’s door to be a dick to him. Feanor realizes what an asshole Melkor is and yells at him. Melkor gets really pissed off and disappears and everyone freaks out because he’s a pretty scary guy to piss off.</p><p>- Yavanna cries a lot</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Ainulindalë

\- Eru Illúvatar has his thought children, the Ainur  
\- They’re basically the Von Trapp family singers except that there’s no mom and the world doesn’t even exist yet  
\- Eru sits and listens to his kids sing. How sweet.  
\- Melkor decides he doesn’t like the song and gets all tone deaf on them. Everyone else gets confused and starts singing really crazy stuff  
\- Illúvatar is like nah that song sucks so he starts singing again and makes everyone sing HIS song. Melkor gets pissed and keeps singing his own song which totally doesn’t go.  
\- Apparently if there’s one thing Illúvatar doesn’t like, it’s people singing all crazy, so he gets mad and makes everyone stop singing with this one weird chord.  
\- Turns out the song created the World. Illuvatar tells Melkor he needs to stop making the Song a solo and get it together.  
\- Illúvatar is gonna create more kids. Probably because Melkor’s such a screw up. His Children are Elves and Men, the First-born and the Followers  
\- Each one of the Ainur had sung some specific part of the world. Ulmo sang about water, Manwë sang about wind, etc. Illúvatar shows them a snowflake and Ulmo and Manwë think it’s so great they decide to be best buddies  
\- Some of the Ainur go down to Eä (The World That Is), are called the Valar “Powers of the World”  
\- Melkor gets greedy, wants Eä for himself. Sibling rivalry literally reshapes Arda. First battle for Arda. Melkor gets kicked out of the cool kids club


	2. Valaquenta - The Valar

\- Lords are Valar: Manwë, Ulmo, Aulë, Oromë, Mandos, Lórien and Tulkas  
\- Ladies are Valier: Varda, Yavanna, Nienna, Estë, Vairë, Vána and Nessa.   
\- Aratar “High Ones of Arda”, basically royalty gods - Manwë & Varda, Ulmo, Yavanna & Aulë, Mandos, Nienna and Oromë  
\- Manwë (also Sulimo) is King of the Valar and is basically Eru’s favorite. Lord of the sky and wind. He’s married to Varda, who the Elves love best and call her Elbereth. She’s the queen of the stars. Together they have Superman vision and hearing.  
\- Ulmo is the Lord of the Waters and is a bachelor. Very anti-social even though he and Manwë are besties, and if he walks on Arda, people basically think he’s a sea-monster. Likes Men and Elves, likes to talk to them through water??? He also hears everything because he’s in the rivers and stuff too  
\- Aulë rules “all the substances of what Arda is made”, basically the Hephaestus of Tolkien Legendarium. Melkor’s super jealous of his mad skills because they’re really similar apparently. Likes the Noldor elves and teaches them stuff. Also father of the dwarves, but we’ll talk about that later. Yavanna (also Kementari) is married to Aulë, is basically Mother Earth. Likes to turn into a tree on occasion and grows stuff.  
\- Námo (also Mandos) lives in Mandos??? Not sure why he’s called WHERE HE LIVES. Ruler of the dead. Married to Vairë, the weaver. She literally weaves tapestries of everything that happens ever.  
\- Irmo (also called Lórien) lives in, you guessed it, Lórien. Youngest one so his ruling is over nothing really substantial, just thoughts and dreams. Apparently Lórien is a pretty relaxing place to hang out though. His wife is Estë who is the healer. Their water fountains taste so good that the Valar will actually travel to Lorien just to drink  
\- Next is Nienna, who will always be single because she’s a super bummer to be around. She’s literally always crying about bad stuff. Apparently dead people like her?  
\- Strongest of them all is Tulkas (also Astaldo). Gives terrible advice but is a great friend. He likes to go hunting and wrestle, and he laughs a lot. He’s married to Nessa, who likes deer. Both Tulkas and Nessa can outrun a steed, so they probably have awesome races.  
\- Oromë (also Aldaron) is slightly less tough than Tulkas but is much scarier. He hunts monsters for fun and likes horses and dogs. He actually named his hunting horn (Valaróma) to make it scarier to monsters I guess, and literally trains his dogs to hunt Melkor. He’s married to Vána, Yavanna’s little sister, who can make flowers bloom and birds sing.


End file.
